Relay Column: Returnees from Abroad, Donning “Japan” (Yukari Yamagishi)

There was a time when I consumed and adorned myself with "Japan" as fashion. This was due to the identity crisis I experienced growing up as a corporate family member and a returnee. At the age of 22, I discovered "Japan," my one and only homeland, and became immersed in it. At the same time, I was also deeply perplexed by "Japan." In this column, I will trace the trajectory of my sociocultural identity involving loss and alienation, discovery and liberation. What meaning did adorning myself with "Japan" hold for me at that time?

My parents were part of a corporate family. Therefore, I am a "Homeland Refugee"［1］. I have moved and transferred schools repeatedly since I was three years old. Because of this, I hold a strong yearning and complex regarding the local area, dialects, childhood friends, and most importantly, the concept of "homeland." For example, during my undergraduate years, I frequented the Ishikawa Prefecture Association, the Hokkaido Prefecture Association, and a student community that included returnees. The most comfortable place for me was the student community because it was a gathering of "outsiders."

This state of losing my homeland led to a significant yearning and confusion regarding my self-identity during my adolescence. Where do I come from? And where am I going next? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Drifting from one waypoint to the next, I was unconsciously burdened with a sense of great loss.

I am a returnee. At that time, I did not recognize this about myself, but others did and seemed to want me to be that way. The first time I went to America was in the summer of third grade. After returning to Japan in the spring of fifth grade, whenever I changed classes throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I was often told, "You’re a returnee, right? So speak English!"

It was when I was a high school student that I realized returnee students were viewed as "others." I entered the English department, excited to finally enjoy studying English with everyone! However, my expectations were shattered by the term "pure Japanese" ［2］. This referred to individuals who were born and raised in Japan, without foreign roots, mixes, or being a returnee. It was used in a specific context of evaluating English proficiency, such as, "Hey, they got the Eiken pre-1st grade even though they are pure Japan! That’s amazing!" Without malicious intent, this term excluded non-pure Japan individuals like me from such evaluations. Then, I would hear, "You (a returnee) can’t understand our struggles."

I too started to perceive "them" as other. "Of course, I can’t understand. But they can’t understand either. How much effort (struggle) it took me to acquire English." Be yourself, no matter what they say. Looking back, it’s interesting that my first experience of recognizing such a strong boundary between "them" and "me" was in Japan.
 
However, I had no intention of resisting their politics. My eyes were directed towards the world. Dreaming of working for an international organization, I first consumed the symbol of "Japan" as a high school senior. It was a business card holder made of beautiful woven fabric. I thought it would look cool to pull this out of my pocket when working overseas in the future. By this time, I had learned how to adeptly wear the label of "other" that others had affixed to me.